Shrimp and Avocado Salad with Lime

This is a really yummy, fresh salad just in time for summer!! and super easy!!

1 lb jumbo cooked shrimp, peeled, deveined and chopped
2 Roma tomatoes, diced
2 Avocados, diced
2 jalapenos, diced (remove seeds)
juice of 3 limes
2 t olive oil
handful of chopped cilantro
salt and pepper
1/2 small, red onion, diced

In a small bowl mix together lime juice, olive oil, onion, salt and pepper.

In another bowl and the rest of the ingredients together and pour onion/lime juice mixture over and stir.

It's best if you let it chill for about an hour or so before you serve it.

Enjoy :)

Beer-Candied Bacon

This is one of the BEST things I have EVER made!!  I haven't met a man, woman or child yet that doesn't love these little strips of goodness.  I've made it a couple times with whatever beer we happened to have in the fridge.  Next time I think I'll try a darker beer!  People will LOVE it!!

1 lb thick cut bacon
1/2 C brown sugar
1/4 C + 2 T beer

Heat the oven to 400.  Whisk together the beer and brown sugar.

Line a rimmed baking sheet with foil (this makes cleanup much easier).  Place a wire cooling rack on the sheet.  Lay bacon out on the cooling rack - the pieces will probably overlap, but that's ok.  Cook for 10 minutes in the oven.

Remove from oven and brush the bacon with the beer/sugar mixture.  Flip bacon over and brush the other side.  Put back in oven for another 10 minutes.  Repeat the process until all of the glaze is gone and the bacon is crispy. 

Cool and serve

Caesar Pasta Salad

I know it may not be summer yet where you live - but it is here and this is the best pasta salad!!  It's not super heavy on the mayo and has tons of veggies that even my kids eat!  We love it!!

Caesar pasta Salad

12 oz box Tri-Colored Pasta
3/4 C Mayo - NOT Miracle Whip (It's a "bread spread" seriously)
1/2 C Zesty Italian dressing
3 T Shredded Parmesan (I add more though, it's up to you)

3/4 C chopped Bell Pepper (any color is good, I like red)
3/4 C chopped Roma Tomato
3/4 C chopped cucumber
1/2 C chopped green onion

Cook and drain the pasta.  Mix together mayo, Italian dressing and Parmesan cheese.  Once the pasta is cool, pour the mixture over it and stir in veggies.  You can eat it right away, but it's better if it spends a couple hours in the fridge!!

Dr. Dolittle of the Dead

For those of you that have satellite radio and enjoy completely mindless conversation that allows you to laugh at stupids, tune into channel 107 for the Pet Psychic - check your local listings! Sonya Fitzpatrick is a whack-a-do Brit that will answer any and all pressing questions about your dead pet and their feelings.  It is BRILLIANT and absolutely ridiculous all at the same time.  There's never a lack of callers, but they all ask pretty much the same crap:

Cat Lady - "Oh Sonya!  First time caller, long time listener and I just want to know if you can tell me anything about my cat Muffy?"

Psychic Lady - "Oh Darling - Muffy is right here and says that you were the best mum a cat could have!"

Cat Lady - "Really?  That's so wonderful! I always wondered how happy he was with my 15 other cats." (shocker)

Psychic Lady - "Oh, yes, he's laughing and telling me that it was quite the full house but he loved it although he would occasionally get in a romp with the one kitty." - yes, cats laugh

Cat Lady - "Oh, ha ha, yes, he didn't always get along with Buffy.  It's amazing that you know that"

Psychic Lady - "Well, darling, he's telling me all about the great times he had with you!  Tell me, did you ever give him any special treats?"

Cat Lady - "Oh YES!! He really loved them - but I didn't give them to him as much as he wanted"

Psychic Lady - "Yes, he just told me that you were really stingy with the treats - but he wants you to know that he'll be reincarnated really soon and be back at home!  Thanks for calling!"

First of all - hands off to Ms Fitzpatrick - I imagine she's making a pretty decent living off this crap, so good for her! However, what I want to know is why can't these people come up with better questions! I mean if she is really a feline/canine/whatever-ine linguist, let's ask about stuff we all want to know! 

What is really with all the ass licking and eating your own shit?  Explain the payoff.
Is a tampon applicator really worth digging through the trash?
Why can't you just be polite and leave the room when your owners are having sex?
Why is it so hard to distinguish the TV doorbell from ours?


Anyway - apparently she has a couple shows on Animal Planet too, but I haven't had a chance to check those out - I have Real Housewives to keep up with.

Pork Wonton Cups

These are one of the best little appetizers to make for a party!  Everyone LOVES them which is great except then there's no left-overs :)  My friend was nice enough to share the recipe and said I could put it on here!  It's not hard at all and you won't be disappointed!! 


Here's your ingredients:

Mix:
1 lb of ground pork (not the Jimmy Dean roll type - the hamburger packaged type)
1 T garlic - chopped
1/4 cup green onion - diced
1/2 t ginger - ground
2 T sesame oil
dash of salt and pepper
Cook on the stove top....

Then you need wonton wrappers and Mae Ploy sweet chili sauce.

Preheat your oven to 350.  Spray a mini muffin pan with PAM.  Trim down the wonton wrappers to circles and press them into the muffin pan.  Spray them with a little more PAM and bake - for about 8 minutes, but once they start to brown you need to keep an eye on them because they will burn fast.

Once they are done, spoon in the pork filling and top with a little bit of the sweet chili sauce.

SO yummy - even my super picky kids love them!

Enjoy :)

I Need Tim Gunn to Be My Gay Boyfriend

I was having lunch with a friend the other day and we ran down the finale of the latest season of Project Runway - next to Top Chef - my favorite reality show!! We were both happy about the person that won and then talked about just how much we love Tim Gunn and wouldn't it be great if he could just join us for lunch one time!  Then it occurred to me what I actually wore out of the house that day and how distressing it would be for him to be seen in public with a schlub like me - oh yes, that's a real word and I was told that a few weeks ago :/  This was my outfit du jour:  some half-way decent shirt that I wouldn't wear last summer (yes, it's pretty much summer here already) because I was too fat - this year though, I'm lighter by like a pound which has clearly made all the difference in the world and the shirt is totally acceptable - or my personal standards are just going to shit.  Jean shorts with the frayed hem that is really cool if you are not over the age of 40 (I'm in denial) and Nike flip flops.  At least I recently had a decent hair cut, chopped off 5 inches of dead weight and had a super great new lip gloss and I felt pretty damn good when I left the house. 

Here's the thing - I HATE shopping for clothes - it is one of the most annoying things EVER - shoes too.  I love a good boot, but in general I don't give a crap about shoes - I don't enjoy them and I really hate spending money on them.  Give me some good flip flops and I'm happy.  I'll even maintain a decent pedicure - ok, not really, but just don't look at me below the shins and we're good.  I have yet to find a clothing store that sells grown up outfits that don't make me feel like an idiot and/or don't cost a fortune.  OH - and have I mentioned I do not enjoy any kind of pattern - seriously, I have issues.  I like them on other people, but there are very few things in the closet that are not a solid color.  Shopping with me is a joy.  But, maybe, just maybe if he came out for 1 day - we could have a nice lunch, knock back some martinis, he could convince me that Nina isn't nearly as annoying as she is on the show and how truly super cute and fun Zac Posen is - wait! Maybe he could be my boyfriend! - then he'd take me shopping and revamp my whole life - I mean wardrobe.  Oh well, the odds of all this is about the same as Lindsey Lohan finally getting her shit together, but a girl can dream!

I'm Blowin' the Lid off the Tooth Fairy! or not

 A couple nights ago, the youngest announced just before bed time that her loose tooth was about to come out!  Since it was nearly bedtime and I NEVER  have cash - this was awesome news!  THEN she casually mentioned in passing that she wasn't going to tell anyone when the tooth came out so she could see if the Tooth Fairy was real! 

Well now, this is just the perfect storm of crap!  Not only do I have not cash for tonight's impending Fairy visit - but she may or may not really tell me if it happens.  Awesome - one more chance to not be parent of the year! 

So, the tooth falls out - and in my awesome parentness - I don't put the cash under the pillow until nearly wake-up time.  Of course this is the ONLY school day ever that Methuselah is actually awake before me - but whatever - I'm totally sneaky.  I come in and as she tells me  the tooth fairy FAILED - I slide the cash under the pillow and snag the tooth.  Disaster avoided!!! - until that night when she asks me if I'm the Tooth Fairy. Fine - I'll suck it up and be the dream crushing parent - let's play! - Yes, I say, I'm the Tooth Fairy.  She starts laughing and says, you are not the tooth fairy - you have no glitter.  WTF?!?!  Clearly, she has not noticed the super sparkly lip gloss I'm sporting today (FAIL) What follows is a really painful 20 minute conversation about how I've been Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, et al for years!  She gets all belligerent and crap trying to make me feel bad - btw, I don't do guilt - life is what it is, some games are involved, suck it up, buttercup! THEN - after all this the nearly 10 year old tells me she hasn't believed in any of that since she was 6!  WTF?!?!?  Are you kidding?!?!? She thinks this is all really funny.  Yeah, hysterical - is it happy hour yet?!?